Friendship

Photo: Nicholas Swatz – Pexels

It seems to me that as far as friendship is concerned, many of us are struggling at the moment – particularly, perhaps, us men. The recent film ‘The Banshees of Inisherin’ highlighted the issue of male friendship, and one article quotes a psychotherapist who ‘sees a lot of men over 40 who “see no need for real friends.”’

At the Anlaby Churches we’ve been thinking a lot this year about Christian community. And we’ve realised that there are two things that are fundamental to Christian community: Friendship, and hospitality. This post, and one that will follow on hospitality, are a result of some of that thinking.

Approaching friendship and intimacy

As we approach the topic of friendship, we begin to realise how complex it is. We often talk about friendship assuming we know what it is, but when we stop to consider it in more depth we find that it’s quite hard to pin down.

As I’ve thought about it, our culture seems to be focused on two things at the moment: Sexual intimacy; and having ‘mates.’ And notice by the way that both of those things can be viewed from a self-centred perspective.

Just thinking about intimacy for a moment – in his book the Plausibility Problem Ed Shaw points out that we often assume that intimacy goes with sex. That’s one of the reasons why it seems so appropriate for a same-sex attracted Christian to be in a sexual relationship. We think “everyone needs intimacy; intimacy goes with sex; therefore same-sex sexual relationships are essential.” In a similar vein, the author CS Lewis wrote in 1956: “We have to rebut the theory that every firm and serious friendship is really homosexual.” (The Four Loves). Shaw and Lewis are making the same point: intimacy doesn’t always go with sex.

One of the reasons we’re in a mess about relationships in our culture is that we’ve equated intimacy with sex. It’s possible to have intimacy without sex – and it’s also essential. And it’s worth bearing in mind that the greatest intimacy in the universe is between the Father and the Son in the bond of the Spirit – and there’s no sex involved. This may also be why so many people turn to pornography (men and, increasingly, women) – because they’re not getting intimacy, and they’re looking in the wrong place. It’s a tragedy for everyone involved, which the devil often uses to isolate people and keep us from true joy and intimacy.

Of course another reason why we may not talk and think about friendship is that we all have a history, and many of us have a painful history of past hurts and rejection, and I’m no different in that. It may that some of us have put up the barriers because we don’t want to get hurt again. And it’s important to recognise that.

What does the Bible say about friendship?

Thankfully the Bible has lots to say about friendship. Here are some principles that the Bible sets out that can help us in this area:

We need to be with others

We see this in Genesis 2 at the start of the Bible:

The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”

Genesis 2:18

This has been taken to be talking primarily about marriage. And perhaps it is – after all, after this God creates a woman and they are married. But notice the first half – “it is not good for the man to be alone.” Aloneness, or loneliness, is a problem. It’s not what’s best for us; it’s not good. And of course there are many people who are alone – or who feel alone. There are many people who prefer to be alone. And that could be for a variety of reasons – for many, it may well be because of past hurts.

We see other advantages of friendship in the other verses:

Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

Ecclesiastes 4:12

And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

Hebrews 10:24-25

As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.

Proverbs 27:17

These verses speak of the support that comes from others; the encouragement; and the strengthening and sharpening. I’m sure you’ve experienced that: just think of a time when someone encouraged you, or challenged you, when you desperately needed it.

Philia love

In his book ‘The Four loves’ CS Lewis writes about 4 different words used for love in the New Testament. The most famous one is agape. There’s eros, which is romantic or sexual love. And then there’s phileo. It’s worth noting that some biblical scholars have observed that there’s a lot of overlap between the meaning of agape and phileo in the New Testament. But I think Lewis is still on to something in what he describes.

Philia is friendship or companionship. (Philia is the noun; the more common verb is philew.) It was highly valued in the ancient world as being a higher form of love than sexual love. CS Lewis saw it as reflecting the relationship between God the Father and the Son.

Here are some distinctives of philia: It is a side-by-side relationship; there’s usually a common passion or goal – something that brings the friends together and that they can share. It’s also outward looking – it seeks to bring others in. Three friends can have as a good a time or an even better time than two. (And of course we can see here the difference from romantic or sexual love – which is exclusive, and very much focused on the other person.) 

As Christians the greatest common interest we can have is Jesus Christ. And that’s why friendship with other Christians is so important. And I’ve certainly found that my best friendships have been formed around the common interest of serving Jesus with others.

Of course personality matters – we naturally click with some people but not others. There’ll be people we naturally enjoy spending time with – they’re more likely to be good friends. And age is not as important as we often think it is (for example some of my best friends at the moment are 10 years older than me!)

Examples of friendships

If you try searching on ‘friend’ in Biblegateway or another search engine you’ll find that there are lots of examples of friendships in the Bible. Think of Job and his friends (although in many ways they’re not the best examples of friendship); think of Daniel and his friends; or the apostle Paul and his companions. Or think of David and Jonathan (and just by the way – if you’ve ever heard someone using David and Jonathan as an example of same-sex sexual love – that only proves the earlier point that our culture often equates intimacy with sex.)

The characteristics of a friend

Here are some characteristics of a friend from the Bible:

Faithful / reliable

Perhaps the most important thing is that a true friend is faithful, or reliable. This is why Jonathan makes a covenant – a binding commitment – with David:

And Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself.

1 Samuel 18:3

Jonathan commits himself to be a faithful friend to David – and not to kill David, because they were rival heirs to the throne of Israel.

We see the same in a number of verses from Proverbs:

One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

Proverbs 18:24

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.

Proverbs 17:17

Many claim to have unfailing love, but a faithful person who can find?

Proverbs 20:6

Faithfulness and reliability is highly prized. And the reason is obvious: We’ve all experienced fair weather friends, who are for us when the going is good but who abandon us when it isn’t. And we know deep down that they’re not real friends; a real friend sticks with you even when it’s not convenient.

Speaking (and receiving) truth in love

The second characteristic of a friend is that they speak truth to you.

Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.

Proverbs 27:6

When a friend sees something in us that isn’t the way it should be – they point it out. They do it gently and kindly, but they do it. It would be unloving for them not to do so. I can think of 3 times in my life when someone has spoken into my life about something that wasn’t as it should be, and I’m grateful they did. Each time I was stopped from going down an unhealthy path and my life was changed for the better.

Equally, when a friend speaks to us in that way, a true friend will receive what they say with thankfulness – however painful it is to hear. We will believe that ‘wounds from a friend can be trusted.’ We will receive what they have to say humbly, knowing they’re speaking for our good. And behind all of this lies openness and transparency: A willingness to really be known, and to really know.

Be careful who you allow to be your friend

Some people are a better choice of friend than others. Sometimes we can be insecure and think any friend will do, but Proverbs says different:

One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

Proverbs 18:24

Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.

Proverbs 13:20

We will be wise about who we spend time with – who we allow to be our closest friends. Of course this isn’t saying that we can’t spend time with unwise people; but it does mean we won’t allow them that close to us, and we’ll make sure we’re not influenced by them.

Church and friends

What is the relationship between church family and friendship? It’s right to want to be friends with our church family, and to treat one another as friends. Jesus calls his disciples ‘friends’ (John 15:13-15) and it’s right for us to seek the same. 

Of course we won’t all be good friends. Personality, shared interests, similar life-circumstances – all have a role to play. But we can treat each other as friends, and it’s wise to seek to cultivate at least one or two good friendships with members of our church family.

Jesus – the greatest friend

Most importantly, Jesus is the greatest friend. If we’re looking for someone who is faithful, reliable, open, wounding in love – there can be no greater friend than Jesus.

Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.

John 15:13

Jesus laid down his life for his friends; and he calls his disciples, and by extension us, friends.

We might wonder ‘how can God be a friend?’ but actually it isn’t a new idea. In the Old Testament we see God calling Abraham and Moses his friends (Isaiah 41:8, Exodus 33:11). We read of Enoch walking with God (Genesis 5:21-24). And Jesus himself eats with and befriends sinners (Mark 2:15-17).

Jesus is the greatest friend, the friend we need above all others. He will never let us down; he will never abandon us; he is always there for us. And as we’ll see, his friendship with us provides the foundation for us to be friends with others.

So what?

Here are a few closing thoughts about what this might mean for you and me.

Discover the friendship of Jesus

First, and most important – discover the friendship of Jesus. This is something to do whatever stage you’re at in your Christian journey, whether you wouldn’t yet call yourself a Christian, or you’ve been a Christian for years. I encourage you to make it a priority to discover that Jesus is a good friend – a true friend – the true friend. As we’ve seen, ‘Greater love has no one than this, that he lays down his life for his friends’; and Jesus laid down his life for you. And he’s still alive – seated in heaven with the Father; and by his Spirit he lives with you – in you – if you’re a Christian. He is your friend. And you can experience his friendship moment by moment. All you have to do is ask him: “Lord Jesus, show me your friendship. Lead me, guide me, comfort me, encourage me, strengthen me.” And he will.  

Perhaps you need healing from past hurts – and we all need healing to some extent. In recent months I’ve discovered past hurts that I wasn’t even aware of, and he’s kindly healed me from them. You can take them to Jesus; or talk them through with a trusted friend. In my experience, Jesus can heal you of them.

And because Jesus is your friend, you don’t need to fear any evil. You don’t need to fear loneliness or isolation or bad things. You don’t need to go through life paralysed by past hurts – whether in the area of friendship or anything else. For Jesus is a true friend. As he hung on the cross he was abandoned, deserted, friendless – and he did it for you.

I was struck recently as I looked through the references to ‘friend’ in the Psalms: They’re mainly about being abandoned by friends. And of course they’re fulfilled by Jesus, as he was betrayed by Judas and abandoned by the rest of his friends including Peter who denied him 3 times. And Jesus endured all of that for us. And there’s nothing you might face – or that you have faced in the past – that he doesn’t understand, and that he can’t work for your good in the end. So come to Jesus, the best friend in the world.

Be a good friend

I’ve learned over the years that if I want a friend – I need to focus on being a good friend. If I wait for someone else to be a good friend to me – I might get lucky; but it might never happen.

Take the initiative. A friend said to me recently  “I’ve started inviting myself round to people’s houses. They don’t invite me – so I invite myself.” Maybe you could try that; or if not that “let’s go for a coffee.” And you might just find that just as you’ve been holding back from striking up a friendship, they’ve also been holding back.

One particular thing that might hold us back is the fear of rejection. But again – if we know Jesus is our friend; and we know Jesus was rejected and came through the other side: We can face that possibility without fear. I’m sure there are thousands of people in your local community who would love a friend but are fearful to reach out. But as someone who is secure in Jesus’s friendship, you can reach out to them.

Recognise your need of, and pray for, friends

We all need friends. Those who are single need friends, including the intimacy we thought about earlier. Those who are married also need friends. I think men who are married can be particularly slow to recognise that sometimes. And of course if you’re married your spouse can be a friend and it’s wonderful when that is the case; in the long run, that’s probably the most important aspect of a marriage. But even then, we still need friends. And if we’re aware of that need, we can pray, confident that our loving heavenly Father will answer.

Share the love of Jesus through friendship

Finally share the love of Jesus through friendship. Be a friend to those who are not Christians; share life with them; invite them to meet Christian friends. Do things with a mix of Christian and non-Christian friends. And so help them see Jesus’s love through friendship.  

Taking it further

True Friendship – Vaughan Roberts

The Four Loves – CS Lewis

The Plausibility Problem – Ed Shaw